Title kal tak batata hoon soch ke

I was reading some old posts on my own blog today. Although it only reaffirmed by unfailing trust in that I had always been writing non-sense, yet I could make out that I have started taking myself way too seriously over the last year. And there wasn't a need for it. I mean, why ? I still get the same pocket money, I am still in the same college, still without a suppli, still single and .. Also, in one previous post I read I had written none of my friends were single any longer. I thought I must have been quite dejected then but I should cheer up as even that's not the scene now, since I made new friends who were single, and made Mayawati like faces at those who were no longer and they ran away frightened. Back to the topic, I could see this change to a more stern disposition in everything. The way I take care of punctuation marks bein at the rite places ,that I particlarly make it a point to uses grammar of highest standard, and not under any circumstances should I make use of slang or lingo in my posts lolz, and spellings - my God as if thay are the most important thing on arth ! No but, why ?? Why should everything be that orderly. Ok it's a good thing to keep it right, but to be obsessed with it, that’s just too much. As if I make a mistake and my folks will pack me off to work in Sivakasi. Jaa tu vahin reh, patake phod. Ok forget the semantics of language, I started questioning myself way too much. The way these recent posts have been, I wrote moronic loser-ish things like 'Why can't I perform better?', 'Why can't I set things right?'. Eeek. In contrast, earlier I'd have written, 'I can't perform any better', or 'I can't set a cow straight' . Seriously, what was the need of that why. Without it, see, it means the same thing and still exudes so much more confidence. Similarly, 'why can't I look better' is hundred times more foolish than 'I look horribly-terribly-loathsomely ugly, and you would wanna spit on me if you didn’t take your lessons in decency from Simi Grewal.' Be clear, yaar, and unambiguous, I told myself on reading all that.

Anyhow, forget it. If morning's bhoola comes back to home in the evening, then we don't call him bhoola. (<- bhi="" bill="" call="" chahe="" clinton="" do="" hai="" him="" kisi="" lena="" mera="" original="" p="" pooch="" se="" we="" ye="">

Yesterday, in my coaching centre our maths sir said in the class, ''If you are studying regularly, you might just or might not get through. If you aren't, you certainly wont.'' I don't know why I have this strange hunch as though he said that specifically for me, while the others also happened to be sitting in the class at the time. But then I know, he addressed the entire class, but still I feel as if he was talking to me. Paranoia. Just like Chor ki daadhi mein tinka. (<- -="" a="" ab="" about="" all="" also="" and="" anyways="" araam="" as="" auto="" back="" banda="" bas="" before="" bete="" better="" bhi="" bit.="" blog="" boooooring="" calm="" case.="" chahta="" chalo="" coming="" confidence="" cursed="" dad="" de="" dedicated.="" didn="" don="" down="" eight="" eyes="" five="" for="" from="" grudgingly="" had="" hai="" hain.="" have="" he="" heard="" him="" ho.="" hundred="" i="" imaandar="" immediately="" in="" it.="" it="" itna="" jab="" just="" kar="" karte="" know="" ko="" koi="" lacking="" le.="" leave="" lekin="" life="" like="" maana="" manmohan="" me="" memorised="" memorizing="" moist="" much="" must="" my="" myself.="" na="" newspaper.="" newspaper="" now="" of="" one="" original="" p="" padhna="" paper="" picked="" picture="" presented="" problems="" quite="" read="" readers="" really="" rehne="" replayed="" rickshaw="" s="" saying="" scared="" scene="" see="" sentence="" seriously="" sight="" since="" singh="" sized="" so="" soon="" specially="" started="" still="" surprised="" t="" tang="" taxi="" tell="" than="" that="" the="" then.="" then="" they="" this="" thoda="" thodi="" though.="" times="" to="" today="" twenty="" up="" ve="" waiting="" was="" which="" with="" woke="" words="" wrote.="" you="">

Gotta Go now. The tooths are needing the brushing of their selfs.

The blog remains afloat ..

I say I am not that good not because I don't think I am good. It is because I think it's bad manners to claim one's credentials by one's own words. At the same time, doubts abound in my mind if such a behaviour of mine is only but hypocrisy. May be it is. But won't the converse behaviour be pompous. The choice is between hypocrisy and vanity. The choice is between a punch from Sunny Deol and a kiss from Johny Lever. Can't blame myself for being confused.

I usually don't help others, even with things I can. If asked, I do. But at least, I never offer help myself. Even when I know the other person could do well with my help, and sometimes even screw up without it. It is because I feel, offering help to a person is in some ways assuming your superiority on the matter without that person having had acknowledged it. You might be well meaning, but it could get, for the other person, demeaning. I fear being mistaken for condescending behaviour too much, for me to try being helpful. I could let it at that and be happy, but can't. Something in me wants to help when I am dead sure my help would do it for them. Something in me, stops me.

These are just two, and probably the less important ones, of the confusions that outline my existence. I have as many as five long posts, unpublished, between the last posted one and this. I attribute them, and their unpublished status, to some more confusions. And then there are the bigger ones. Increasingly, I am discovering, that I am rich only in my confusions. I sense I am not as sharp now as I was perhaps a few months back. The bigger confusions have taken the larger share of the outdated pentium-II processor in my mind, and there's no memory unluckily even for the recycle bin here.

I'm hopeless. I had promised myself I won’t be maudlin on the blog anymore, but ended up following the drift. Anyhow, I coined a new name for flatulence meanwhile. When one of my old school friends ripped one off when a few of us got together the other day, I asked him if he ever gave a damn to global warming. The other guys, obviously not him, found it so funny they have almost entirely replaced 'global warming' for 'fart' in their usage, I hear. I think the reason they liked it was that it looks more sophisticated and you can show you've not been a student of science for nothing. Think of it as giving something to peers, now this should make me happy.

Happy Holi ! Got to scratch-remove the dirt and grease now. Oh shit it's all over the keyboard now! Aaj tak saaf tha, barso se ise Colin se jo saaf kar raha hoon. Ab fir karunga.